Lifeless
by Entropic Kitten
Summary: Jasper Whitlock never felt like he fit in with the rest of his adopted family, and his scars were always deeper than those on the surface. WARNING: Dark themes, graphic self harm, suicide.
1. The Note

This story was put into my head after reading **Scars** by X. The Marauders .X

**WARNINGS: * GRAPHIC SELF HARM/SUICIDAL THEMES * DRUG USE * VIOLENCE ***

**Disclaimer:** SM owns Twilight, and I think she'd probably cry if she read what I have planned for them... The poem stanza's throughout the story are mine, unless I specify otherwise.

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_**No one would care if I died**_

_**and pretty soon my memory would be lost,**_

_**and all that's left to prove I ever existed **_

_**would be a weathering plaque **_

_**at some unknown cemetery.**_

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**The Note**

**~*~**

_Things happen in patterns. We get hurt, we binge on drugs, alcohol, food, etc. We get up every day trying to get over it. We find something new. We are happy briefly. We get hurt again._

_Over the years I have given myself fully to things and people that I shouldn't have. Each of these has torn a piece out of my heart until now I don't have enough left. A broken heart is a strange thing. It beats the same, is completely intact, etc. and yet it is never the same as it once was. I gave the last of my heart to a woman who is now, and forever will be, out of my reach.  
_

_I pushed everyone away._

_I just don't want to hurt anymore. My only regret is I ever met anyone who will be hurt by this action. That Esme will weep for my loss._

_It's not her fault though._

_It's no ones fault._

"I am naked  
I have nothing left  
My bones are picked clean  
And riddled with regrets  
Nothing can touch me  
I've nothing left to take  
For I am naked  
But I can never break" **– (Assemblage 23 – Naked)**

_Please make sure that Alice knows this wasn't her fault. Tell her I love her and always will. Tell her I'm sorry for everything. I'll always be hers even if she'll never be mine. Tell her I'm so proud of the women she has become in the time I have known her. Tell her I'll always be with her & always watching over her. Alice is the best thing that ever happened to me. I'll always love her. Always._

_Why is it that if I am too good for the lovers I choose or the things I do & the places I go that I can not hold onto them? Why can't I be worthy of the love I crave & why do I feel so lonely while I'm surrounded by my friends and family? Why is it that the people around me feel like strangers? Why when everything I did was selfless? Why when I was ready to sacrifice my life for others? Why when I wept & plead? Why didn't my dreams come true? Perhaps Emmett is right; perhaps the deeds of the selfless do go unnoticed if not punished._

_Why are things this way?_

_Why?_

_I don't know what it is that's making me feel so cold. Perhaps the drugs taking effect, perhaps the blood loss is finally enough. All I know is these tears and these breaths are my last. I'm sorry but I feel this will be better for everyone. I just wish there was a different way but even now I don't have the 2/3 of the way down the cliff epiphany. I guess it really is time for me to leave._

_I love you._

_I'm sorry._

_Perhaps in the next life we can be together. I don't know what I'm in for. If the Catholics are right I am to suffer for my sins. If the Atheists are right then that's it. If the blessed are right I have two lives left to live, hopefully they will be more successful, perhaps we'll be together. Music now is my only comfort. The thing that has shaped my world & always been there for me. If it wasn't going to end I would turn completely to it. For an idea of how I feel here are some lyrics that say it all._

"Even though I'm the sacrifice,  
You won't try for me, not now.  
Though I'd die to know you love me,  
I'm all alone.  
Isn't someone missing me?" **(Evanescence – Missing)**

"I dont want to start any blasphemous rumours  
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humor  
And when I die I expect to find him laughing" **(Depeche Mode – Blasphemous Rumours)**

_All I wanted in life was to marry Alice and if at all possible I would have liked to have a child with her too. Unfortunately love is something that I wont feel again. Why does it have to be this way?_

_I don't want to live anymore._

_I'm sorry but that's the way it is._

_Esme (Mom), I love you_

_Alice, I love you_

_I love everyone & that is probably my vice._

_Carlisle (Dad) take care of them...  
_

_I'm so sorry._

_I love you_

_Jasper._

---

The sound of Esme's shriek of horror and pain was the last thing I heard as she lifted my head into her lap and desperately tried to stop the wounds I'd inflicted upon myself from bleeding. After that, everything went blissfully silent and I could escape my demons in the encompassing darkness.

_

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_**A/N: Poor Jasper... Review?**

_**And enjoy my random bits of poetry from my emo days... I'll put random stanzas at the top of each chapter.**  
_


	2. The Void

**A/N: This chapter's a tiny one before I get to the story. Enjoy being inside the coma alongside Jasper.**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight and the characters. I just put them into comas. The poem stanza in this chapter was from a poem called Mother's Love that my friend Ben wrote in 2004.  
**

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**_Hills are silent _**

**_Valleys are dead _**

**_Yet in my mind _**

**_an endless void you tread _**

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**The Void**

**~*~**

There was nothing.

Just a large, empty space surrounding me. _Was I even here?_

I couldn't see myself.

I could have been a pair of eyeballs floating in the middle of… nothing? A large empty space?

No light, no shadows, no color. There was nothing here, except for me.

_Who am I?_

**BEEP beep**

_What was that?_

**BEEP beep**

_There, that sound._

**BEEP beep**

I tried to focus on the rhythmical beeping.

**BEEP**

**beep**

_It's slower now._

Then; nothing.

~*~

_Voices._

The dull murmur of lowered voices.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Cullen. We've done all we can. The life support is keeping him alive for now, but we have no way of knowing if he'll ever wake up from the coma." This voice was calm, smooth, feminine. A doctor perhaps?

Sobbing. Growing fainter as someone led the woman, Mrs Cullen, away.

_Silence but for the rhythmic beeping_.

Then more voices.

"What happened, Carlisle?" The calm voice again.

"I don't know." A second voice, soothing, masculine. "He's always been troubled, but lately it's gotten so much worse. With the drugs, the self harm, the alcohol I've been at a loss of what to do with him. And then for Esme to find him like this…" the voice, Carlisle? trailed off.

"I'm sorry Carlisle. This must be so hard for you."

"Yeah… I just wish I could have done something, you know?" Carlisle sighed.

_Footsteps._

A bang sounded close by, a door closing perhaps.

"Oh Jasper… why?" Carlisle whispered quietly before the banging sounded again.

Then there was nothing but the beeping and the void.

That word, that name... _Jasper? _

_Is that me?_

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**A/N: Yeah, I know. It's short and badddd... it's hard to write what it would be like in a coma. I've never been in one. **

**In this coma, Jasper can hear everything. Though right now he doesn't know anything my coma patient has no memory. MWAHAHA... Eventually you'll find out what he did to himself.**

**Oh, and I'm pretty sure most of this story will be in Jasper's POV. Maybe a chapter or two in someone else's if it becomes necessary.**

Review?


	3. Remembering

**So, I'm going to slow down posting on this, I just needed to get it properly started so I had something to work with.**

**DISCLAIMER: SM owns twilight and all twilight related junk. I have some pretty tasty vitamin C tablets.**

**WARNINGS for this chapter: SELF HARM  
**

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_**Waking in the past **_

_**Opening the door to my mind **_

_**Cold tiles cover the insane scratching on the walls**_

_**Of visitors that have lost their way **_

_**Nothing keeping my demons at bay **_

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**Remembering**

**~*~**

Jasper. Carlisle. Esme.

"_Jasper, I'm Carlisle Cullen and this is my wife Esme. You'll be living with us from now on." A young blonde man in medical scrubs stood before me he looked to be in his early 30's. He was smiling happily back at me as I looked from him to the small, honey haired woman at his side. She was beaming too._

"_What about my parents?" A small voice asked, I was surprised to realise it was my own, shaky and harsh from tears, smoke and screaming._

"_I'm sorry Jasper, honey." The woman, Esme, said sadly. "They didn't make it."_

Carlisle and Esme were my adoptive parents. So what happened to my real parents, they were dead. But how? Why?

_  
I was sitting in my room with a pilfered cigarette and some matches, I'd just lit the cigarette and went to take a draw of it when someone banged on my bedroom door._

"_Jasper. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes." A woman's voice called out to me._

"_Thanks mom." I called back, guiltily throwing the cigarette towards the open window._

_Getting up quickly I changed my clothes and rushed out of the room to spray myself with some of my fathers' cologne so they didn't smell the cigarette smoke on me. The reflection in the mirror showed a young boy of about 14 with steel blue eyes and longish messy blonde hair._

_Unnoticed behind me the cigarette landed on the window sill and rolled back inside from the breeze, landing on my unfinished homework that lay on my bed._

_As we were sitting down to dinner the smoke alarm went off upstairs. My mother huffed impatiently as my father and I snickered, thinking that her cooking had set it off once again._

_When she didn't come down straight away my father went up to apologise for our teasing. _

"_Jasper!" His panicked voice called. "Get outside now! And call the fire department, hurry!"_

_I got up to look for the phone, when I remembered that it was upstairs. Running upstairs I started choking on the smoke in the air._

"_Jasper! Get outside! NOW." My father thundered when he heard my coughs._

_I was asthmatic like my mother and passed out halfway down the stairs, when I woke up I was in a hospital bed and my parents were dead. My father had stopped trying to get to my mother so he could get me outside. He then went back inside for her, but they never came back out.  
_

I killed my parents, because I was stupid and wanted to try smoking. It was all my fault that they died. I was a murderer. Yet Carlisle and Esme  
seemed so happy that I was coming to live with them. Maybe they never knew what I did…

"_They're not even your real family." The blonde haired boy in front of me taunted cruelly, he looked to be about 15 years old. "I bet you killed your real family so you could live with the Cullen's because of their money."_

_A fist connected with the side of the boys face. "Shut up Newton." The large boy in front of me spat angrily. "Get lost."_

_The blonde, Mike Newton, fled as the large kid in front of me turned around. "Don't worry Jasper. Don't listen to scum like Newton."_

"_I know Emmett. It still hurts though, you know?" I replied._

_Emmett ran a hair through his short brown curls as he sighed. "I know it does Jasper… I know it does."_

_After that run in at school I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom at our large home when I dropped my glass and it shattered._

_Grumbling I reached down to pick up the pieces when I slipped and cut myself accidentally._

"_Great." I mumbled sarcastically._

_Washing the blood off my hand stung, but for some reason it wasn't an unpleasant pain, it felt like relief._

_Staring at the broken glass in my hand I numbly lifted it to my chest and dragged it slowly down my skin. I watched, detached, as the skin split apart then, after a short delay, the blood started to quickly well up._

_Panicking as the blood started to drip onto the tiles I grabbed my shirt from the hamper and pressed it against the cut until the bleeding stopped._

_Amazingly I felt better afterwards; somewhat afraid of what people would think, but better about myself. I killed my parents; this was my way of suffering like they suffered._

I only ever cut my chest, over time the scars grew thicker and longer, but no one ever saw them. Until I started drinking when I turned 17 and passed out without a shirt on in my room…

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**Yep, drunk, shirtless Jasper coming up next chapter. =]**

**Is this all making sense btw? He's in a coma and slowly remembering what the hell his happening. I'll add snippets of the present amongst the flashbacks. Cause we all wanna know whats happening.**


	4. First Betrayal

**A/N: This story is hard for me to write because I'm going back to my darkest days to make sure I get the mood of the story right, if anyone has any depression stories to share PM me and I'll see what i can do to incorporate them into the story. The hardest part of writing this is because my depression was never based on guilt, which is what I see Jasper's depression stemming from.**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight and the characters. If I owned Jasper I'd make sure he never lost his post coital grin. ;)**

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**_Betray the kind _**

**_In turn _**

**_Betray those _**

**_whose smiles no longer shine _**

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**The First Betrayal of Trust**

**~*~**

I only ever cut my chest, over time the scars grew thicker and longer, but no one ever saw them. Until I started drinking when I turned 17 and passed out without a shirt on in my room…

_The house was quiet, Emmett had a date with Rosalie Hale tonight, he'd told me not to wait up while wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. I laughed and told him to have a nice time and to remember to use protection._

_Carlisle and Esme were at a charity event for the hospital, they'd asked if I wanted to come too, but I didn't want to be in the way, and I'd told them that I'd be fine at home._

_Sitting in my room thinking about how everyone fit in somewhere, how everyone had someone to turn to made me feel horrible about myself. Here I was, in this beautiful house, with these wonderful people who didn't realise just how monstrous I really was… My best friend Edward knew me better than most and even he didn't know about the evil things I'd done._

_Sneaking down to Carlisle's study I went to the liquor cabinet that he never locked and retrieved a bottle of whiskey. Taking it up to my room I locked the bedroom door behind me and unscrewed the cap of the bottle. I'd been told that alcohol makes you feel good, I needed to feel good. Even if it was short lived and from a glass bottle._

_Raising the bottle to my lips I gulped down as much as I could in one go, choking and coughing from the burn of the alcohol in my throat. My eyes watered and my throat burned, but I didn't stop drinking from the bottle until over half of it had been consumed. By then I had started to feel dizzy and over heated so I removed my shirt and absentmindedly ran my fingertips across my scarred chest.  
_

_A sudden light against my bedroom wall announced the return of Carlisle and Esme, also reminding me that I hadn't closed my blinds or turned the light on. Rushing to my feet and doing the best I could to ignore the way the room spun around me I raced the bottle back to Carlisle's study and was back in my room when I heard the front door open. Relieved, I went to flop down on my bed, but missed and fell to the ground, hitting my head hard. The room faded and the last thing I remembered was that my bedroom door was still slightly ajar._

_When I woke up the following day I was in my bed, with a button up shirt buttoned halfway up and I knew that someone had found me on the floor of my room, that someone had seen my scars._

_Rising with a groan I looked at my bedside table for the time and noticed a glass of water and two aspirin had been left for me beside the clock, which read 12.30PM. Heading downstairs to find something to eat I walked past the living room, where I saw Esme with red rimmed eyes sitting on the couch in Carlisle's arms. They looked up as I passed them._

"_Jasper, son, we need to talk." Carlisle's tone left no room for disagreement._

That talk had been difficult, the alcohol wasn't even the big issue, he'd been through underage drinking issues with Emmett and understood in the way only a parent could. The issue had been Esme coming upstairs to say goodnight and seeing me, lying on the floor beside my bed with scars and cuts all over my chest.

He'd asked why I felt the need to hurt myself, and when I didn't answer him he'd just sighed in disappointment and told me the conversation wasn't over. He'd also insisted that I show him my chest every day before school to make sure I wasn't still harming myself. I'd agreed, and started wearing button up, long sleeved shirts, moving my cutting to my upper arms and shoulders. Carlisle only ever asked me to unbutton the shirts so that he could see my chest, it never occurred to him to ask me to remove my shirt completely.

Esme couldn't look at me without crying for weeks, I guess she'd finally realised there was something wrong with me. The liquor cabinet was kept locked, and they didn't leave me alone in the house for months. It was Edward's birthday when my next slip up occurred, and I'll never forget the look on his girlfriend, Bella's, face.

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**Ahh, poor Jasper. I don't know why I'm hurting him like this... I love Jasper. I'm so horrible. LOL**

**Review?  
**


	5. La Push

**A/N: This one kinda sucks... I just couldn't get in the right mood to write... Don't worry guys, Alice will come into it eventually, she's a big part of why things happened the way they did.**

**Disclaimer: SM owns the characters and Twilight. I just dream about Jasper.  
**

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**_His blue eyes endlessly studying the sky _**

**_Staring at the stars as they slowly passed him by _**

**_Lips singing to silent words _**

**_Waking the tunes of the early birds _**

* * *

_It was lunchtime on the 20__th__ of June, Edward's 18__th__ birthday, and we were hanging out at his place as a group waiting for his parents to come home after going back to Chicago to pick up his twin sister from boarding school. The gang were watching a movie while Edward's girlfriend of six months, Bella Swan, was making a potato salad and I manned the BBQ._

_Edward had been in charge of the BBQ to begin with but had received a phone call, apparently from his parents, so had wandered further into the yard to talk. Pretty soon the food was ready so Bella and I chatted idly while we brought it all to the table and called out for everyone to come eat._

_We'd sent Emmett outside to find Edward and could hear him whooping like he'd won the lottery as they came inside._

"_What's so great Emmett?" Rosalie asked, arching her brow at his exuberance._

"_Eddie's parents missed their flight, apparently the little Princess caused a scene over not being about to take 11 bags on a domestic flight without paying extra." Emmett looked entirely too happy about Edward's family not being here to celebrate their son's birthday._

"_And that's a good thing HOW, Emmett?" Bella asked, eyeing Edward nervously._

"_BECAUSE Belly, that means we can go to that party down at La Push, instead of doing the stuffy dinner and meeting little miss 'I don't want to move with the family because Forks has no malls'." We all snickered at Emmett's description of Edward's sister._

_After the mess had been cleared up Rosalie and Bella wandered off to their respective houses to dress for the party while us guys pulled out the X-box for some intensive male bonding over Halo._

_9P.M came along pretty quickly and we left to go collect the girls and head to the beach over at La Push. Upon our arrival Emmett and I made our way to the Keg where we found Sam Uley and gave him $50 a piece. Reaching into a backpack at his feet he pulled out two bottles of Vodka and waved us away when we accepted them._

_Bella, her father being the Chief of Police, was, as usual the designated driver and contentedly sat wrapped in an increasingly intoxicated Edward's arms by the bonfire. It would have been around midnight when Emmett and Rosalie came back from the 'walk' they went for earlier, they were followed by a bunch of rowdy drunk kids who, seeing Bella decided to started trouble._

"_Hey baby, looks like that man isn't going to be any good to you tonight… Come let Jacob scratch your itch." The native American boy looked to be about 17, but he was built almost as big as Emmett. _

"_Uhh, how about no?" Bella snapped, rubbing Edward's thigh to stop him trying to fight the kid._

"_Oh, come on baby, don't be like that." This came from a guy with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes who looked to be about 25._

"_Shut it James. I saw her first." Jacob snapped, struggling to his feet and staggering towards Bella, who was now sitting on Edward's legs to stop him rising and getting into a fight, one that he'd probably lose considering how drunk he was._

_As Jacob reached them and went to grab Bella forcefully Emmett and I stood and decided it was best we get involved and go home. Emmett lifted a passed out Rose and lay her over his shoulder the then helped Edward up and towards the car as I stepped in between Jacob and Bella._

"_Bella, follow Emmett." I called out to her as I pushed Jacob away from her, which turned out to be a bad idea as he took that as an invite to start throwing punches._

_Unluckily for him I had years of practice as far as fighting went and managed to avoid his clumsy hits. Pushing him back again he stumbled and fell, grabbing onto me to try to stop his fall. The buttons popped off the shirt I was wearing as I turned and walked towards the car._

"_Thank you Jasper." Bella murmured softly as I caught up to where she'd stopped to wait for me._

"_No problem Bells, what kind of friend would I be if I let something happen to you?" I smiled at her as I pulled her to me for a hug._

_As she pulled away she noticed that the buttons had been popped off my shirt. "Oh, I'm sorry Jasper! Your shirt! I'll sew some new buttons on it for you." She reached forward to get a closer look at how many buttons were missing when she spotted some of the scars on my chest._

"_OH! Jasper, what happened to you?" She looked at me sadly as she asked._

"_Don't worry about it Bella…" I muttered, reaching the car and getting in the back with Rosalie and Edward's passed out asses. Bella looked at me sadly over her shoulder as she started the car, but I refused to meet her gaze._

Edward thanked me for protecting Bella the next day and, though he never mentioned it, I knew that he knew about my scars because of the way his eyes trailed over my chest and the look in his eyes that begged me to talk to him about it.

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**Review guys, PUH- LEEZE?**

**I'll add a happy chapter when I get to 10 reviews. =]**


	6. Hospitals

**A/N: No happy chapter for you. I have it written, you guys just have to show me that you want it. So review dammit!**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight and the characters. I have a bag of gummi bears. WOOT. The poem stanza for this chapter is from "The Den Raven Slave Song." It's from the Pellinor series by Anne Croggon. It's all kinds of awesome.  
**

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**_The chains are heavy on my feet_**

**_The shore is far away_**

**_They give me dust and ash to eat_**

**_Every night and every day_**

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**Hospitals**

**~*~  
**

Time went on, dragging yet flying by. Esme and Carlisle came and went everyday, telling me about their days and what was going on in the world. Nurses came and went, checking the tubes and machines that were keeping me alive, no doubt they were also shifting my body around to avoid my muscles wasting away and to stop bedsores appearing from my lying completely still for so long.

I couldn't feel it when they moved me; I couldn't open my eyes or twitch my fingers. All I could do is lie here and listen, think and remember.

Remembering is the worst.

_My father pick__ed me up and ran downstairs with my coughing and spasming body in his arms. Laying me on the front lawn he quickly yelled for someone to help him._

_The neighbor came running over, having been awakened by the smoke and bright orange glow of the fire._

"_Help him, he's asthmatic. I need to get back inside… My wife…" My father left me in the arms of my neighbor and ran back into the burning building to try and get my mother out of the burning house._

_I watched as the red and orange flames danced across the front of the house, saw the smoke billowing from the building. I tried to listen for a sign that my parents were still alive but I could hear nothing, not even the hissing and popping of the flames, it was like the world was on mute._

_The paramedics arrived and an oxygen mask was placed on my face, and I was injected with something to stop my airways from swelling, allowing me to breathe again. The medic was talking to me, I could see his lips move, but I couldn't hear a word._

_Turning my head I lay still, staring at the front door waiting for my parents to come out of the house, until the paramedics set me onto a stretcher and took me away._

_As the ambulance pulled out of my yard I watched my family home burn down, with my family still inside. And I knew, it was all my fault._

When I woke up in the hospital I'd still had some hope that my parents had pulled through, until Carlisle and Esme arrived, alongside a government official, to say that I'd be living with them now.

I had been unconscious for over a week, I'd missed my own parent's funeral.

Though, I knew I had no right to be there…

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**A/N: Seriously, if you want to see happy Jasper, you have to review... I've also written the epilogue, I don't know why it just appeared in my head so I wrote it out before I forgot it... The story is no where near over yet though, but if you want me to continue it you have to say so.**

_**- Totally off topic - **_

**Who saw the New Moon trailer preview? It's awful isn't it? **

**"Since it's my birthday... Kiss me?"**

**Awkward/Pained look, leans in to kiss her.**

_**Seriously, bad acting.**_

**And the meadow?!? How UGLY was it?**

**And the scene where Edward leaves? Uhh, isn't Bella meant to be UPSET?**

_**/rant**_


	7. Choices and Happiness

**So I know this chapter WAS on ransom for reviews... But I'm in early labor and don't know when I'll have a chance to update in the near future, so I figured I'd leave it on a happy memory.**

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I just borrow Jasper sometimes.** **The poem was written by my friend Tony. **

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**_Everyone, it's been a while now_**

**_but you can all smile now_**

**_I give again without taking_**

**_I sleep again without waking_**

**_-  
_**

**_As long as everyone else is fine_**

**_What does it matter if I whine?_**

**_To smile takes every breath of me_**

**_My life will be the death of me_**

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**Choices and Happiness**

**~*~**

I was torn from my recollections of the past by the sound of Esme's distraught voice. "No! Carlisle we can't give up, he's in there, I know he is!"

I frowned internally, _of course I'm in here, where else was I going to go? I was in a coma for god's sake it's not like I could get up and leave the hospital bed._

"Honey, it's been weeks and he isn't getting any better, the amount of abuse his body has endured over the years… there's only so much a body can take. He knew what he was doing when he took those Warfarin tablets from my study and the amount of blood he lost from…" Carlisle coughed uncomfortably. "Well, the blood loss has affected his brain, even if he is in there, there's no way we can ever get him back… I'm sorry honey, but maybe we should discuss turning off the life support."

My mind was reeling… _they're going to turn off the life support? They don't want me to live anymore? They're giving up on me just like that? I can't have been in here that long, could I?_

"But Carlisle… You can't ask me to kill one of my sons." Esme's voice sobbed from my bedside.

_Her son? She still thinks of me as a son? Even now, after everything I'd done?  
_

"He already made that decision himself honey, his body's giving up, even on the life support he'll eventually waste away, the damage has already been done." Carlisle's voice was strained as he tried to calmly explain to his wife why they should pull the plug and just let me die. "I love him too, Esme. It's what he wanted."

_It was what I wanted. But now? Now that it's too late? Is it still what I want?_ I didn't have the answers to those questions. And the questions tumbled around in my head as Esme begged for more time to make her decision and Carlisle agreed, stating that it would do no harm.

I thought back to a time when I was truly happy, even after my parent's deaths.

_It was August 12__th__, my 18__th__ birthday. I had been woken up by Emmett pounding on my bedroom door impatiently._

"_Get up little bro. Mum won't let me have any banana pancakes until you're up!" He yelled through the door._

_I groaned sleepily. Leave it to Emmett to make me feel oh-so-special on my birthday. I should stay in bed just so he doesn't get the damned pancakes._

"_HURRY UP LITTLE BRO OR I'M OPENING YOUR PRESENTS!" He yelled when he didn't hear any response from me._

_Grumbling under my breath I slowly dragged myself out of bed, pulling on my typical long sleeved button up shirt and some boxers I unlocked my door and padded down the stairs towards the kitchen for breakfast._

"_Happy Birthday sweetie." Esme crooned, handing me a plate stacked high with banana pancakes and kissing my cheek._

"_Thanks Esme." I murmured, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and yawning._

_After enough banana pancakes to feed a small country had been consumed and Carlisle had been issued the task of cleaning up, much to Emmett's and my amusement, the doorbell rang, announcing the presence of Edward, Bella and Rosalie._

"_Looks like it's time for you to start opening your gifts sweetie." Esme smiled at me as she handed me a suspiciously guitar shaped gift._

_Tearing off the paper and hurriedly opening the stylish case my jaw dropped as I stared in awe at my new Jackson __RR3 Rhoads electric guitar__._

"_We got you a new amp and a recording setup too, it's all down in the basement." Carlisle said smiling at me happily._

_Finally remembering to pick my jaw up off the floor I started stammering out my thanks, my hands caressing the beautiful instrument the way I'm assuming you'd caress a woman. I'd only ever been with one woman, and let's just say there was no caressing. I cut off my line of thinking there; I would not sully my beautiful new guitar by thinking of HER anywhere near it._

"_Thank you Esme, Carlisle." I said genuinely, smiling broadly at them._

"_ME NEXT!" Emmett called out like a child, eliciting laughter from everyone as he ran out of the room to retrieve his gift for me._

_Once Emmett had reappeared in the room, looking much like an overgrown 5 year old as he excitedly shifted his weight from foot to foot, he thrust his gift into my chest beaming._

_Cautiously opening the innocuous looking box I held I was surprised to see that I held an authentic Civil War officers uniform._

"_Oh my god Emmett." I whispered, stunned. "How did you even get this?"_

"_Tsk tsk, I'll never give away my secrets." Emmett said looking smug, until Rosalie hit him. "Besides, Rose helped." _

_Rosalie smiled at me. "I knew you'd love it. You're so obsessed with the Civil War."_

"_Thank you Emmett, Rosalie. I do love it." I was amazed; both at the difficulty they must have gone to actually getting the uniform, and at the thought that went into the gift. Usually Emmett's gifts are blow up dolls or something similar._

_Bella shyly stepped forward and handed me a small box. "This is from Edward and his family." Edward nudged her slightly and cleared his throat. "And from me too." Bella added with a sigh._

_Opening the box I was confused to see a set of car keys. "Don't tell me…" I started slowly._

_Edward nodded enthusiastically, grabbing my arm and dragging me to the front door._

_Once we were outside I could see what he, his family and Bella all pitched in together to buy me for my birthday, a black 1965 Ford Mustang Fastback. It looked to have had some work done to it as well._

_I turned around in shock. "Dude… are you kidding me?"_

"_Nope, we've been working on it all year, Rosalie did most of the work, but Charlie helped a bit too." Edward said proudly. Bella nodded, confirming that her father had been involved too._

_Tears came to my eyes as I realised that, even though I didn't deserve them, I had the best friends and adoptive family a guy could ask for. "Thank you." I choked out, smiling broadly._

It wasn't even the gifts they had purchased me, though I'm sure that a great deal of money had been spent in the lead up to my 18th birthday, it was the thought they put behind each gift. Everything the bought for me showed exactly how well they knew me, it showed they cared enough about me to buy me gifts that reflected my personality.

And I loved them for it.

* * *

**A/N: See? I'm not a horrible person. I love Jasper. =]**

**And now, I am off to give birth... well... I will be when my contractions regulate... Regardless; LEAVE ME REVIEWS!**


	8. HER

**A/N: You guys have no idea how hard it was for me to write this chapter, every time I'd write a sentence Jasmine would decide I'm not paying enough attention to her and start crying, so I'd have to go calm her down, feed her, change her or whatever the issue was at the time. UGH. **

**This chapter was going to have a lemon but Jasper said no, he wanted it to be clear how very very drunk he was... The story will have them eventually though.  
**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight or, unfortunately, any Jack Daniels whiskey.** **I struggled to find a poem on my computer that fits this chapter, the one I used was my friend Ben's 'Tears Of Diamonds.'**

* * *

_**Grasp your soul**_

_**In me you can console**_

_**Inner peace is so close**_

_**But so out of reach**_

* * *

**HER**

**~*~  
**

My time in the hospital was dull, visits from Carlisle and Esme by day, nothing but the repetitive beeping of the monitors by night.

I found myself simply reliving every memory that brought me to the place I am now, both physically and emotionally.

Where better for me to start this self appraisal than with HER?

_It was 6 months before my 18__th__ birthday, and Carlisle and Esme's anniversary, they'd decided to go to Seattle for the weekend and had left Emmett and I in the house with and order to 'be good'._

_Emmett had called around the minute their car was out of sight and we now had a party going full swing. The music was loud, people were drunk; dancing and laughing without a care in the world._

_And me? I was sitting to one side watching Emmett and Rosalie bicker while I downed a bottle of Jack Daniels._

_I laughed as Rosalie slapped Emmett upside the head and stalked off to find Bella. Emmett huffed at me and wandered over to Sam Uley and the beer bong._

_Putting down the now empty bourbon bottle I staggered to my feet and tried to cross the room to find Edward, only to be intercepted by the prettiest girl I had ever seen._

_She was short, about a head shorter than me, her hair was long and blonde with black streaks and her eyes were hidden by startling red contacts. Her cheekbones were high and defined; her lips full and I could picture them wrapped around my cock._

_**Where did that come from?**__I thought__**. I don't even know the girl and it's not like I've ever had anything besides my own hand anywhere near my cock.**_

_She smiled at me and pressed her ample chest against mine as she leaned forward to whisper in my ear. "Hey there cowboy, come dance with me."_

_I could only nod dumbly as she led me drunkenly into the living room with the other dancing couples._

_I watched as she swayed her hips in time with the music, her chest heaving with each breath she took, and I found myself getting hard._

_Her hand clutched onto my wrist and she pulled me forward and started rubbing her body against mine, her hips came into contact with the bulge in my pants and I hissed, drawing her attention to my not so little problem._

_Smirking she leaned closer to my ear. "How about we take this somewhere more private?" She whispered, her lips touching the shell of my ear as she spoke, before she took the lobe into her mouth and bit it softly._

_I found myself leading her up to my bedroom, my brain in a haze of lust and completely overtaken by the alcohol._

That was the night I lost my virginity, and I don't remember anything beyond leading her to my room.

I woke up alone the following day, hung over and naked with scratches down my back, bruises and hickeys on my neck and three used condoms in the trash beside my bed.

There was a note on the pillow next to me;

_Hey Cowboy,_

_I had a great time last night; we should do it again sometime. _

Her phone number was on the bottom followed by her name in big, loopy swirls.

_Maria._

**_

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_**

**It's short, but it's all I could really do with Jasmine crying every ten minutes. And it doesn't really NEED to be any longer considering I'll be exploring Jasper and Maria's relationship in greater detail later in the story.**

**Reviewwwww**


	9. Don't Want to be Alone

**AN: So Jasmine's dad's here for a little while... joy. -_- However he does take care of her so I can have a chance to write. **

**This chapter goes a little bit into Jasper and Maria's relationship. The next few chapters Jasper will be ensconced in memories so we won't hear anything about his coma situation, I'm evil like that.**

**Just a note to say that a story I wrote with my friend Danell, Jessica's Big Chance, got nominated for best crackfic over on the indie awards. Check it out and cast a vote my way.**

**My friend Leelan Oleander has two stories nominated too, Branded and Road Maps. ****(Alternate Universe-Human ****and Most Original Story Line.)** **Check them out while you're over there.**

**www dot theindietwificawards dot com/vote dot aspx (don't forget to replace the word 'dot' with actual dots)**

**WARNINGS: There's a little citrus in this chapter. Just a little.  
**

**DISCLAIMER: SM owns twilight and the characters, I'm just playing with them. Though Jasper could play with me whenever he wanted. ;)  
**

* * *

**_I can feel what I should look like…_**

**_I should look the way I feel…_**

**_Broken, alone, misunderstood, misunderstanding…_**

**_I HATE YOU._**

**_I hate EVERYTHING…_**

**_I hate myself…_**

* * *

**_Don't want to be alone_**

**_~*~  
_**

My musings were cut short by an excited feminine squeal, followed by running footsteps.

"What? What is it?" The voice I recognized as Carlisle's seemed panicky.

"He moved!" Esme's voice was excited as she babbled on. "I was stroking his hand and his fingers moved on their own, then when I looked at his face his eyes opened and closed. Carlisle! He's going to be ok!"

A buzzing noise sounded nearby, Carlisle must have pressed the call button to summon a nurse or my doctor.

"Esme, please don't get your hopes up. People in comas move and open their eyes all the time, hell; sometimes they moan and grunt too. It doesn't necessarily mean they're waking up when they do." Carlisle's voice was tired, but there was barely concealed excitement there too.

"Have faith Carlisle." Esme scolded. "Jasper? Jasper! Can you hear me honey?"

I wondered why they cared so much about me waking up. Everything I touch gets destroyed. My parents, Esme, Alice, even Maria eventually came to regret meeting me.

-

_It took me a week to gather the courage to call Maria after that first time. I mean, she said she'd enjoyed it and we'd obviously had sex. But it had been my first time and I don't even remember what I did. What if we met up again and I was bad? She'd laugh at me and everyone would know…_

_Sighing I pressed the 'call' button on my phone. She answered on the third ring._

"_Hello?" I froze what should I say? __**'Uh hi Maria, this is the guy you fucked last week. My name's Jasper I just thought I'd introduce myself.' **__Didn't seem like the best way to approach this._

"_Hello?" Annoyance was clear in her tone._

"_Uh hi ,Maria." I stuttered out. "It's Jasper."_

"_Jasper? I don't know a Jas… Oh, wait, blonde hair? Emmett's brother?" _

"_That's the one." I muttered, feeling stupid and seriously regretting making this call._

"_I've been waiting for you to call." Her voice was suddenly warm. "What are your plans for tonight?"_

"_Err, nothing."_

"_Some friend's and I are having a party in Port Angeles. You should come too."_

"_Uh, I don't have a car." I muttered, embarrassed._

"_Don't worry cowboy" She sang. "I'll pick you up at your place at 8. See you then." She promptly hung up._

"_Uh sure." I muttered to the dial tone figuring that going with her would be better than being alone.  
_

_Looking at the clock as I put the phone down I realised it was already 7. I went to the kitchen and heated up some of last nights leftovers, quickly writing a note to Carlisle and Esme letting them know I was going out for the night, midway through the note I paused and quickly called Edward, asking him to cover for me. Of course he demanded details tomorrow but said he'd tell them that I was with him._

_Grabbing the plate from the microwave I ate as quickly as I could, resulting in a burnt tongue. Checking the clock again I noticed that I only had half and hour to shower and dress so I rushed to my room, taking the stairs two at a time._

_Once in the shower I allowed myself to think about tonight. Would we have sex again? I tried again to remember what had happened the previous week but my mind only came up with vivid fantasies of what MAY have happened._

_As I imagined her slim body against mine I reached a hand down to grab my arousal. The vision in my mind played out like one of the crappy pornos Emmett had forced me to watch, moans and slick bodies, tangled sheets and clothes tossed carelessly around the room. _

_I moaned when I remembered her red eyes and briefly wondered why she wore the colored contacts before my imagination brought me back to her mouth. I imagined those pouty lips around my cock in place of my hand as I thrust into it. I moaned again when the image in my mind shifted to having her look up at me with those red eyes as she sucked me. My pace turned frantic fairly quickly and it wasn't long before I came all over my hand and the wall of the shower._

_Quickly washing off I stepped out of the shower and dressed in a AC/DC shirt and some jeans. As I was tying the laces to my converse I heard a car pull up outside and I raced downstairs._

_Maria's car was a run down old Volkswagen beetle, the rust had turned the white paint orange over most of the car. Opening the door I coughed as the smoke from the joint she was currently smoking assaulted my lungs._

"_Sorry cowboy." She muttered, rolling down her window and flicking it out before turning back to me. "Ready to go?"_

"_Yes ma'am" I replied, affecting a southern accent and pretending to tip an imaginary hat. I smirked inwardly when her eyes widened and she licked her lips._

_The drive to Port Angeles was filled with chatter about various bands and singers. I was amazed at how much we had in common._

_Eventually we reached the party and proceeded to get drunk. I was dancing with Maria to the beat of some new hiphop song. Her body was pressed against me and I had a leg in between hers. I was finding it harder and harder to repress the urge to grab her like a caveman and carry her off somewhere so I could pound into her. My control snapped when she started grinding herself against me._

_I woke up the next morning on the backseat of her car with her naked body draped over me. When I moved her eyes snapped open and she smiled at me, before digging around on the floor for her clothes and mine._

_When she dropped me home I headed straight to the kitchen for some much needed caffeine only to find Esme already pouring me a mug._

"_Good morning Jasper. I heard you arrive and figured you'd be needing this." She smiled at me warmly as she handed it to me._

"_Uhh… I" My head was spinning trying to make sense of the fact she was smiling at me while obviously knowing I'd lied about my whereabouts._

_**SHIT. **_

_**What the hell can I say to make this better?**_

_**LIE YOU FOOL.**_

"_Funny thing, I got home from having dinner with Elizabeth last night where she'd told me all about the wonderful date Edward was taking Bella on, only to find a note from you saying you were at Edward's. Then this morning a clunky old VW pulls up in the drive and you get out." Esme was completely calm while she proved what a bad son I'd turned out to be to both sets of parents._

"_I'm sorry?" It came out as a question because I still couldn't figure out the smile._

"_For lying?" She clarified. I nodded. "You're forgiven, don't be embarrassed to say you have a girlfriend though Jasper, Emmett was sure you were gay and Carlisle and I are just relieved that you've finally found someone, you've been so unhappy." I opened my mouth to protest even as I wondered if that's what she was, we'd only met twice and each time resulted with a hangover and the both of us needing to find our underwear from where it had been tossed the night before._

"_Don't deny it, I've seen the look on your face when you're around Emmett and Rosalie or Edward and Bella. It's about time you met someone." Esme was positively beaming as I opened and closed my mouth like a fish. "So, what's her name? What's she like?"_

"_M…Maria" I stuttered out. "And she's great." I smirked, thinking about just HOW great she was, her mouth was just as good as I'd imagined it to be._

_-  
_

The remaining weeks leading up to my birthday passed in much the same was, Maria picking me up and taking me to a party somewhere where we'd end up drunk and finding somewhere private to fuck. I hadn't spent much time with the gang over those weeks and felt bad about it when I woke up on the day of my birthday but the presents they'd got me and the way they beamed when I liked them chased away any regrets I'd had.

* * *

**AN: Yeah, the time line jumps around a bit. But people don't really remember their lives in chronological order, now do they? Next chapter will be after his birthday, as the birthday has already been posted. =]**

**The drama begins soon. *Grins manically.***

**Review?**


	10. Suspension: DAY ONE

**AN: What's this? Two updates in a row? Yep. Cause I barely get any time to write and you guys have been waiting patiently I figured I'd write another chapter while I had a chance. ENJOY.  
**

**WARNINGS: Language, slight violence, self harm.**

**Disclaimer: SM owns. **

* * *

_**The echoes of many destructive words,**_

_** of betrayals cruel and hard to forgive**_

_**reverberate throughout my mind,**_

_**where their poison kills my will to live.**_

* * *

**Suspension: Day One**

~*~

The first day back at school after my birthday I got suspended for punching Mike Newton in the face I guess I should have been lucky I didn't get charged with assault considering the fact his nose had been broken rather badly, thank god for Bella.

_I was getting out of my Mustang when Mike Newton pulled up beside me._

"_Nice car Whitlock." He sneered, deliberately calling me by my original surname. "Who'd you kill to get it? Esme?"_

_Emmett took a step towards him, clenching his fists. "Shut the fuck up Newton."_

"_Oh come on Emmett, you know it's true, Whitlock would kill his own mother for money, oh that's right, he already did." Mike started to laugh at his attempt at a joke when Emmett stepped forward. However it wasn't Emmett's fist that connected._

_I stood over Mike as he lay on the ground holding his bleeding nose. "Shut the fuck up Newton, I don't need to be Emmett's size to put you on your ass." With a kick to his ribs that left him coughing and choking on the blood from his nose I turned and walked into the school, Emmett by my side laughing at the look on Newton's face when I hit him._

_I'd been on class ten minutes when the call came from the principle's office, Emmett and I were called down there to give our side of the story. When we got up and left the room, Bella followed._

"_What are you doing?" I asked her as she walked alongside us._

"_I saw it too, he deserved it. You're 18 now Jasper, my dad will be here to arrest you." She had a determined look on her face and I knew her well enough to just give up and let her follow._

_Reaching the principle's office we were told to sit and wait until we were called in. As I sat down Emmett chuckled. Looking up I saw Mike leaving the nurses office with his mother, her arms were around him as he sobbed choking back a laugh of my own I quickly turned my attention to the door that had just opened on my left._

"_Come in Jasper, Emmett. Chief Swan would like a word with you." The principal called._

_Bella followed us into his office and sat down, ignoring the disapproving look her father sent her._

"_Bella, go back to class." The principal and Charlie said together._

"_No. I saw it too; I was right behind Jasper's car. I heard what Mike said. If Jasper hadn't been the one decked him. Emmett, Edward, Rosalie or myself would have. Mike should be feeling lucky that we thought a broken nose was enough and left him there." Bella was pissed. I was a little scared of her._

_Charlie sighed. "What was said that was so bad?"_

_We all started talking at once._

"_He said that Jasper was a murderer." _

"_He said Jasper killed his parents."_

"_He laughed about my parent's deaths."_

_Charlie looked between us all. "What? One at a time. Bella, you start seeing as you insisted you be here too."_

"_Jasper was getting out of his car and Edward and I were coming over to say hi when Mike pulled up beside him and said something along the lines of 'nice car, who'd you kill to get it?' then he implied Jasper would kill Carlisle or Esme. Emmett told him to shut up but he kept going. He said that Jasper would kill his own mother for money then laughed and said 'oh yeah, he already did.'"_

_The principal and Charlie looked shocked. "Is this true?" Charlie asked Emmett and me. We nodded._

"_I'm going to have to issue you a warning Jasper." He looked at me and shook his head. "I won't charge you because to be honest, I kind of want to hit the kid myself now."_

_We all laughed, relieved that I wouldn't be getting taken out of here in handcuffs._

"_Jasper, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to suspend you for a week." The principal muttered, looking less than happy about that fact. "This school has a no violence policy and considering you broke the kid's nose…" He trailed off and shrugged apologetically at me._

"_I understand." I muttered, feeling awful because now Carlisle and Esme would have to be involved and I'd fucked up again. I was the worst son ever._

_Carlisle and Esme weren't really all that mad at me, they took away my cell phone for a month and I wasn't allowed to go out during school hours while at home for the suspension, though how they were going to make sure I stayed at home was beyond me, considering Esme was in Seattle all week doing the interior design for some rich banker's house and Carlisle was working._

_**Trust.**__ My mind shrieked at me. __**They TRUST you.**_

_~*~  
_

_Day One_

_6:30 AM: I woke up with my alarm blaring in my ear. Carlisle had told me I was to get up the same time I normally do, that this was a punishment not an excuse to sleep all day. Batting at the alarm I groaned and rolled over, staring at the ceiling and wondering how the hell I was going to spend my time today._

_7 AM: I finally heaved myself out of bed and headed for the shower. Standing under the hot spray I looked down at the scars on my chest and arms, seeing each one as a punishment for my actions, a punishment for being a bad son to my real parents._

_Leaning out of the shower I grabbed my razor from the sink, I was a bad son to my real parents and now I'm a bad son to the parents who took me in, knowing what a monster I was. I positioned the razor against my skin and dragged it across, watching as the skin split and the blood escaped. _

_8 AM: After finding a bandage to wrap around the cuts on my arm that wouldn't stop bleeding I pulled on a black button down and some jeans. Making my way to the kitchen I noticed that Maria's car was in my driveway._

"_What are you doing here?" I asked her as I opened the front door to find her standing on the porch._

"_Can't I come see my main man on a whim?" She laughed. "I heard you got suspended. I was coming to pick you up; we can go to my place." She looked me up and down hungrily._

"_I'm stuck here until school lets out." I replied, disappointed that I had to turn her down._

"_Why?"_

"_This is a punishment, Jasper. Not a holiday." I imitated Carlisle's voice._

"_Well, you might not be able to leave, but they never said I couldn't come here, did they?" Maria asked, winking as she stepped inside._

_I shrugged then turned to close the door behind her. Once the door was closed she pressed me against it fusing her lips to mine in a rough kiss._

_11 AM: I leaned over Maria's naked body and reached for the bottle of whiskey we'd filched out of Carlisle's study. Taking a swig I offered it to Maria who shook her head and slid down the bed to take my cock in her mouth again. I groaned at the sensation her tongue ring made as she ran her tongue along my shaft. That girl had some serious talent._

_1 PM: The whiskey bottle was empty and Maria was passed out beside me on my bed. We'd christened every room in the house but Carlisle and Esme's and I was feeling pretty fucking good. I leaned over and set the alarm for 3 so Maria could leave before Emmett got home, before leaning back and closing my eyes._

_3:30PM: Maria had just left and Emmett's jeep was coming up the drive now. I'd stashed the empty whisky bottle and gotten dressed. Lying in my bed I thought about Maria's reaction to my fresh cuts. "You don't need to hurt yourself, cowboy." She'd said. "I can get you something to make the pain go away." She obviously meant drugs. I couldn't take drugs, could I?_

_5 PM: I'd borrowed Emmett's phone to call Maria, though he didn't know this as he was too busy with Rosalie to notice that he'd left it downstairs. _

"_Hey it's Jasper, bring some tomorrow. Ok?" _

"_Sure thing, cowboy. It'll take away ALL your pain, I promise." She hung up quickly and I was left saying good bye to the dial tone again._

_

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_

**_AN: So... I was listening to Twilight (The Score) while I wrote this cause Jasmine sleeps better when it's on... But I noticed how similar all the songs are. Lol._**

**_Now the drama just begins. Buckle up for a bumpy ride. _**

**_Review?_**


	11. Suspension: DAY TWO

**So I'm really really busy this week because I'm moving and I need to buy furniture for the new place and curtains and pots and pans and I'm about ready to tear my hair out. But I had to do this chapter, because I promised someone I would. =]**

**WARNINGS: Drug use.**

**DISCLAIMER: SM owns Twilight and the characters I just give them depression and drugs. =]**

* * *

**_Numb the senses_**

**_Block out the night_**

**_Clear your mind_**

**_Hide from the light_**

* * *

**Suspension: Day Two**

**~*~**

_6:30 AM - The alarm dragged me from a restless sleep, after making that phone call to Maria yesterday I found myself both hesitant and eager to try the pills she was bringing over today. Hesitant because I know that drugs are dangerous and I can't help but feel that I'm letting down my parents and Carlisle and Esme by using them. But then I'm eager to take them because I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the guilt of my parent's deaths hanging over me. Rising from my bed I rushed through my shower and threw on whatever clothes I touched first._

_8 AM- I was nervously pacing the porch waiting for Maria to arrive, Emmett had just left and Carlisle was already gone when I came downstairs. Maria's beat up car finally pulled up in the driveway and I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding._

_"Hey cowboy." She sang cheerfully from the driver's seat. "You still in?"_

_"Come on, let's do this." I called to her, holding the door to the house open for her to enter._

_Heading to the kitchen she grabbed a couple of bottles of water and led the way to my bedroom, closing the door behind her._

_"Alright cowboy, take this and make sure you drink the water when you get thirsty, I don't want you overheating on me." Maria handed me a small pink pill with a heart imprinted on one side._

_I lifted the pill to my mouth then hesitated._

_"It's just ecstasy, cowboy. Don't worry." She soothed, seeing my hesitation._

_Closing my eyes I popped the pill in my mouth and quickly swallowed it with a swig of water from the bottle she handed me. "Wow that's bitter." I hissed once I swallowed._

_"That's how you know it's good." She smirked, swallowing two pink pills of her own._

_9 AM- Maria had turned my stereo on and the beat was making me want to dance, the blinds were drawn in my room and the lights were dimmed so I figured, why the hell not?_

_I grabbed Maria's hand and dragged her to the middle of the room. I laughed euphorically as the room spun around us, the music pulsing in my ears and my heart pounding in time with the beat._

_"I love music." I whispered conspiratorially to Maria as she ground her body into mine, laughing._

_11 AM – I was sitting on my bed watching the flame on the candle Maria lit dance around. The colors all blended in to one another and it was like nothing but the flame existed around me. I reached a hand toward the flame to see what would happen but Maria stopped me by blowing it out._

_"Hey cowboy, I need to get going. I've left you another pill for later and make sure you keep yourself hydrated ok?" Her voice asked from somewhere to my left._

_"Ok gorgeous." I slurred, turning my head towards her voice. "See you tomorrow?"_

_"Sure thing, cowboy." And then she disappeared. She was just gone. Weird._

_Noon - **So thirsty, what did Maria say? Drink lots of water, that's it.** I sat up quickly and grabbed the water bottle drinking more than half of it in the one swig. I lay back down and watched as my feet tapped a rhythm against the foot of my bed._

_12:30 PM – I was bored, I miss Maria, I should call Edward. I stumbled to the house phone and dialed his cell._

_It took three tries but I finally got through to him._

_"What the hell Jasper?" His voice hissed at me from the other end of the line. "I'm at school, this better be important."_

_"Ed… Eddie. I love you, you're the best friend ever." I slurred, happy to hear his voice._

_"What the fuck? Jasper are you drunk?"_

_"Nopeeee. Guess again." I sang, amused by the way my voice sounded all high pitched._

_"Are you on drugs?" He practically yelled into the phone._

_"Yesssssssssssss." I murmured. "Eddie, my head hurts…" The phone fell from my grip as I swayed on my feet and fell to the ground._

_"Jasper? JASPER!" Edward's voice screamed from the phone next to me on the ground._

_"Love you Eddiee" I mumbled as I lost consciousness._

_

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_

**A/N: Yep, I'm leaving it there for this chapter. I'm not sure when i'll get a chance to work on the next one but just keep in mind that he has yet to meet Alice.**

**To be nice I'll leave you with a snippet of the next chapter:**

_"What the hell are you doing in here Mike?" Emmett roared as he and Edward entered my hospital room._

_"I was just coming to visit my good friend Jasper, see how he likes being in the hospital for once." Mike grinned at me evilly._

_"Get the fuck out you fag." Edward sneered._

_"I'm not gay." Mike protested, angrily turning to leave the room.  
_

_"No, you're just so far in the closet you've been to Narnia." Emmett snickered at Mike's back. Edward and I laughed loudly enough for the old man in the bed next to me to complain._

**There you go. =]**

**Review?**


	12. Numb

**AN: Hey guys, sorry this took so long, RL dragged me away for a while and I had a bit of time today to write, so I did... A lot happens this chapter, but it's just the first dip of the rollercoaster. I hope you have your seat belts on.**

**WARNINGS: ****Tissue warning for this chapter, keep 'em handy. Also: Drug references and sexual references.**

**DISCLAIMER: SM owns the characters and all things Twilight. I own a bunch of crappy secondhand furniture I bought recently when I moved house.  
**

* * *

**You used to care,**

**until I cared too.**

**And then you changed,**

**because I loved you.**

* * *

**Numb**

~*~

I remember being told about how upset Carlisle was when Edward and Emmett brought Emmett's jeep to a screeching halt in the parking lot that day, the marks from the tires was STILL on the asphalt in front of the hospital.

I was startled from my memories by the sound of my own voice followed by sobbing. Listening closely I identified the source of my voice as being my voicemail message.

"Hey, this is Jasper I can't answer the phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you."

I was confused when I heard it being repeated, over and over. And with each repetition the sobbing was growing louder.

"Esme." Carlisle's concerned voice called. "What are you doing?"

"I… I just want him to wake up so bad." Esme sobbed, as once again, my voicemail message echoed through the room. "I keep calling his voicemail just to hear his voice again."

"Esme." Carlisle faltered.

"Tell me he has a chance, I mean he did open his eyes… He'll be fine, right?" Esme sounded hysterical.

Carlisle hesitated before sighing and halfheartedly reassuring her. "Jasper's a tough kid, he could pull through, remember the first time he was in here? We thought we'd lost him then."

I could remember the time he was talking about; it was during my suspension, because of the pills Maria had given me.

SUSPENSION: DAY 4

_Unknown time: "Well, well, well. Looky here. Perfect Whitlock isn't so perfect, now is he?" Mike Newton's mocking voice dragged me from sleep._

_What the hell is he doing in my house? I wondered._

_I cracked an eye open only to wince and squeeze it shut again. "Too bright." I mumbled sleepily._

_Cautiously I opened my eyes again and looked around. I wasn't at home. The walls were too bright, the bed too hard and there was an old guy looking at me from a bed across the room. I was in hospital._

"_What happened?" I asked myself._

"_You took drugs and called Eddie saying that you loveeee him, then you fainted like a bitch." Newton cackled, making me jump in surprise as I'd forgotten he was there._

_"What the hell are you doing in here Mike?" Emmett roared as he and Edward entered the room._

_"I was just coming to visit my good friend Jasper, see how he likes being in the hospital for once." Mike grinned at me evilly._

_"Get the fuck out you fag." Edward sneered._

_"I'm not gay." Mike protested, angrily turning to leave the room._

_"No, you're just so far in the closet you've been to Narnia." Emmett snickered at Mike's back. Edward and I laughed loudly enough for the old man in the bed next to me to glare back in our direction._

_Once we'd calmed down I looked at Edward, then Emmett. "What the fuck happened earlier?"_

_Edward winced and Emmett looked uncomfortable. "What do you mean 'earlier?'" Edward finally asked. "Earlier like, before Newton arrived or earlier like two days ago when you called me, completely off your head on drugs then passed out and nearly died from choking on your own vomit?"_

_My mouth dropped open and I stared at Edward blankly, Emmett elbowed him in the side. "DUDE."_

"_Ok, so I took drugs with Maria, I remember that. Then we when she went home I started to feel a bit off, so I drank lots of water like she told me to… Then nothing." I tried to remember further than that, but couldn't._

"_Emmett, Edward. OUT." Carlisle snapped, entering the room. "I need to talk to Jasper, ALONE."_

_I gulped and weakly waved good bye to the guys._

"_JASPER WHITLOCK what kind of an idiot are you turning into?" Carlisle roared as the door closed._

"_So now I'm a Whitlock to you..." I muttered under my breath._

"_What was that?" Carlisle asked waspishly._

"_I said, 'So now I'm a Whitlock to you.'" I repeated._

"_What are you talking about?" Carlisle face went from enraged to confused in an instant._

"_You always tell me that I'm a Cullen now, that you're my family and I'll always be a Cullen as well as a Whitlock, but when the going gets tough I'm suddenly not good enough to be a Cullen." I yell at him, watching with satisfaction as he flinched but scowling when he chose to ignore my rant._

"_Do you have any idea what it was like for me to see Emmett's jeep come screaming into the emergency bay when he was supposed to be at school? I thought something had happened to Bella when Edward jumped out looking frantic." Carlisle wasn't looking at me as he talked, so he couldn't see the dark look I was giving him. "Then to see your limp body being dragged out of the back I almost had a heart attack."_

_I listened quietly, pissed at him still, but wanting to know what happened to me, Carlisle glanced at me quickly and I motioned for him to keep going._

"_We couldn't wake you up, you passed out, then vomited, then almost drowned on your own vomit. But Edward got to the house in time to stop that happening; however, he couldn't revive you so brought you here. You flat lined twice, Jasper." He had tears in his eyes now. "Esme found a pill in your room and had me run a screen on it, I assume you thought it was ecstasy?" I nodded._

"_It wasn't." Carlisle sighed quietly. 'It was __Dextromethorphan, or DXM. Which is often used in fake ecstasy pills."_

_I'm sure I looked bewildered. "So what happened if it was a fake? Fakes don't do anything do they?"_

_"DXM is__ a__ cough suppressant that dries out the lungs; it raised your body temperature but also dried out your skin and prevented you from sweating. Since you were already overheated you would have drank a lot of water, but seeing as you couldn't sweat it out you had to throw it up, too bad you'd already passed out from heatstroke when that happened." Carlisle looked me in the eye. "You're very lucky that Edward left school as soon as you stopped responding to him on the phone, you can thank him that you're still alive right now."_

"_But wait, this all happened on Tuesday, it's Thursday now… What else happened?" I interrupted him praising Edward and his perfection, as usual._

"_Like I said, you flat lined twice. Your heart wasn't handling the stress the drug put on it and we had to keep you unconscious until your body could handle to be awake."_

"_So you put me in a coma for two days?" I asked._

"_No, we just kept you asleep by putting a mild anesthetic through your IV." He looked at me sternly. "Who gave you the drugs Jasper? Edward says you have been hanging with Maria a lot these days, was it her?"_

_I glared at him and kept silent; I wasn't going to give her up. _

_**I think I love her. **__I thought suddenly__**. **_

_**Wait… love?**_

_**Really? **_

_**Maybe.**_

_Carlisle noticed my determined look and sighed again. "Jasper, we need to know if she's ok, there's a chance she took the same pills as you and didn't make it to the hospital in time."_

"_Fine, it was her. But I don't want you telling Charlie, I just want to be sure she's ok." I mumbled, feeling sick thinking about her at home, alone, dead._

_I snapped my head up to glare hatefully at him when he muttered his next sentence. "There's also a chance she deliberately gave you a bad batch."_

"_I don't think so." I snapped at him._

"_Jasper, Edward warned me before you were brought in here and I saw them for myself, that you've been cutting again."_

"_Edward huh? Did he also tell you about how he used to watch Bella sleep at night, before they'd even officially met? Did he tell you about how the first time he did it he went to the wrong window and saw her showering but didn't leave? Did he tell you that he just fucking sat there watching her shower and still didn't speak to her until Emmett introduced them a week later?" Carlisle's face grew paler with each angry word that flew from my mouth. "NO! I bet he didn't. He just sticks his nose into other people's business and spills OTHER PEOPLE'S SECRETS."_

"_He was just worried about you Jasper, we all are." Carlisle spoke softly, as though his voice would set me off, it didn't._

"_Your mother is especially worried." That did it._

"_My mother?" I scoffed bitterly. "She's not my mother, and you're not my father. Stop trying to be. And tell Edward that he's no friend of mine." With that I ripped the IV from my hand and fled the hospital, leaving Carlisle screaming at me to stop from my room._

_I went straight to Maria's house, Carlisle had worried me when he told me that the pills were duds and dangerous. I had to make sure she was ok, and tell her about the revelation I had in the hospital, tell her that I think I love her._

_I was out of breath when I arrived, but thankfully her car was in the drive and the lights were on inside, that meant she was alive… I hoped._

_I knocked on the door and grew concerned when I found it unlocked, stepping inside cautiously I called out for her. "Maria?"_

_Getting no response I listened carefully and could here a banging noise coming from the direction of her bedroom. I quickly went towards the noise and slowly opened the door._

_What greeted me from behind that door was enough to bring me to my knees as pain spread through my chest, but I couldn't leave. Maria looked up and noticed me kneeling in the doorway._

"_Oh… Cowboy, you're alive." She panted, slowing down the gyration of her hips as she looked up at me. "Jacob and I will be done in a sec. Just wait in the living room."_

_I looked at her incredulously. "What?"_

"_You want a turn right?" She asked, stopping and getting off Jacob to face me._

"_You cheated on me…You're cheating on me… You're intending to cheat on me while I'm in the house?" I ranted, my chest aching._

"_Oh… Cowboy, I said you were my main man. Not my only one. Now leave, before Jacob does the job those pills should have." Maria pushed me from the room and slammed the door in my face._

_**Did she just admit she tried to kill me? **__The thought ran through my head on repeat as I numbly walked through her house to the front door._

_As I left I wasn't surprised to see Carlisle waiting out the front in his Mercedes. I wasn't even surprised to see Chief Swan and another cop get out of a police cruiser and head towards the house._

_I silently walked to the car and sat in the passenger seat, not looking at Carlisle's angry and concerned face as he pulled out and headed back towards the hospital._

_As we pulled out of the drive I heard Charlie's voice yell something, followed by Maria's voice screaming my name alongside expletives and a selection of threats._

_I didn't care anymore. "I loved you Maria…" I whispered to the scenery that raced past the car as we drove away._

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**AN: Poor Jasper just can't catch a break. And how sad is Esme calling his voicemail just to hear his voice? AWWWW =[**

**Review?**


	13. It all Falls Down

**Hey guys... I know it's been ages. I suck...**

**I got my oldest daughter back in my care now though so I just don't have any time to myself with the 3 year old and the baby... *SIGH* BUT she has preschool on mondays so I'll try and get some writing done while she's not here.**

**This chapter's not great... I kinda forced it a bit because I wanted to get you guys a chapter but Jasper didn't want to talk.**

**DISCLAIMER: SM owns Twilight and the characters, I just give them drugs. The poem is one I wrote in school, it's pretty morbid when you read it all.**

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_**The water's catching up to me...**_

_**Don't fall down, don't stop now...**_

_**When we all fall down**_

_**There's no one left to catch us  
**_

_**The water waits, and then we drown.**_

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**It all Falls Down**

**~*~**

That was the last time I saw Maria, Charlie had arrested her for drug possession and dealing. I didn't give a statement; I didn't even need to, all the evidence was found in her house and car. The last I heard she was sitting in Seattle County Jail and had been renamed "Muffin" by a butch lesbian named Sandra.

Carlisle's quiet voice brought me back to the present. "So what do you think happened when he opened his eyes? This isn't exactly my area of expertise."

An unfamiliar voice answered him and I strained to hear what was said. "His cerebrum seems to be fine, there was no damage done to the main part of his brain, so if he were to ever wake he should retain most of his memories. However the cerebellum has been severely damaged so, if he were to wake, he may well be completely paralyzed."

Carlisle's voice was curt when he spoke next. "I know what's wrong with him; I want to know if he's waking up. He opened his eyes for crying out loud."

The doctor sighed. "Carlisle, the cerebellum controls his motor functions, he can't control his movement himself, you're a doctor, and you know this."

"I just never thought it would apply to a member of my family." Carlisle whispered brokenly.

"Carlisle… right now he seems to be in a vegetative state. He may yet awaken, however if he's in this state for more than a month we'll have no other choice but to take him off life support, he's already been in here for 3 weeks, we can't keep him in here forever."

"I understand." Carlisle sighed.

"Oh, and Dr. Cullen? Please explain to Esme that he may yawn, grunt, open his eyes or even move, that doesn't necessarily mean he's waking up. I'm sorry sir." The door banged closed and I heard Carlisle sob once and the chair beside my bed creak as he collapsed into it.

So I was a vegetable now, even if I woke up I'd still be a vegetable. A vegetable with intelligence and memories but no way to communicate or express myself.

"Dr. Cullen to the E.R." The PA called. "Dr. Cullen to the E.R. Bella Swan is here to see you."

"_Bella?"_

_Bella looked up at me with her dirty, tear streaked face. "Hi Jasper." She mumbled._

"_What's wrong? Why are you sitting here on the side of the road?" I asked, reaching down to help her stand._

"_Edward… He… he just left me here." She started sobbing again._

"_What?" I yelled. "Why would he just leave you here on the side of the road?" _

"_I don't want to talk about it." She mumbled. "Can you drive me home?"_

"_Of course. And I'm here if you want to talk, ok?" I helped her into the passenger seat of my car, not even caring about the mud on her clothes._

_We drove in silence until we reached her place, her father's cruiser was out the front of the house. "Where's your truck?" I asked, looking around for her rusted old chevy._

"_Edward made me get rid of it, he said it wasn't safe and that he didn't want it breaking down and… and leaving me stranded on the side of the road somewhere." She started crying again._

"_Look Bella, Edward loves you, I'm sure he has a good reason for leaving you there." I said, reaching over to open the car door for her. He'd better. I finished in my head._

"_Thank you Jasper." She mumbled as she got out of the car._

_I waited until she was safely inside with the door closed before starting my car and speeding off to the Mason home._

_As I got out of my car I heard tires squealing behind me. I turned to face Edward's Volvo as it screeched to a stop behind me._

"_You have a lot of gall to come here, Whitlock." Edward said menacingly as he exited his car._

"_Me?" I asked, dumbfounded. "What about you? Leaving Bella on the side of the road like that? She's lucky it was me who found her, not some creep."_

"_Oh, yeah it was luck was it, you mean you didn't tell Carlisle about how I used to watch her sleep at night? You were probably just waiting for me to do something like that so you could sweep in and be the good guy for once." Edward was pissed. _

"_What are you talking about?" I was confused._

"_You want her. You want her bad enough that you sabotaged our relationship and she broke up with me." Edward seethed._

"_And what she broke up with you so you just leave her on the side of the road?" I shook my head slowly. " I thought she meant more to you than that."_

"_SHE MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME." Edward roared. "She… I couldn't bring her with me to your place; I didn't want to expose her to this side of me."_

"_What side of you?" I asked as Edward clenched his fists and took a step towards me._

"_THIS SIDE." Edward swung his fist towards me, hitting me hard on the cheekbone._

_That's gunna leave a mark. I thought icily._

"_What the hell is your problem Edward?" I muttered, raising a hand to feel the spot he punched._

"_You are. I told you that stuff in private. I thought you were my friend." Edward took a step closer to me again._

"_Oh shut it Edward. You shouldn't tell people my secrets, then get pissed when I tell yours." I walked to my car._

"_Besides, Bella deserves to know what kind of obsessive, violent, stalker, peeping tom her perfect boyfriend really is." I slammed my car door and left Edward alone in his driveway._

_I drove out to La Push. Sitting on the side of the cliff I looked out and wondered why everything was going wrong at once. Everything we'd built up was falling apart._

"_Hey." A voice called from behind me. "Jasper, right?"_

_I turned around and was shocked to see Jacob standing behind me._

"_Yep. What do you want? Are you gunna push me off the cliff or something." I looked back out over the sea._

"_Nah, maybe later." He joked, sitting down next to me. "I've got some information you might need."_

_I raised an eyebrow in his direction._

"_Not so fast, I want something from you first."_

"_What?" I sighed._

"_That girl. Bella." Jacob said. "I want her number."_

"_Why?" I asked, surely he knew that Bella wasn't like his usual fucks, she wouldn't put out._

"_EH… she's a pretty little thing, and it would piss that Edward kid off to no end if someone took her away from him."_

"_They already broke up." I mumbled._

"_Oh? Well maybe this will be easier than I though then. Do we have a deal?" Jacob looked at me expectantly._

"_What's your info first? If it's something I need to know, fine." The thought of pissing off Edward appealed to me. I raised my hand to my cheek where a bruise was already beginning to form._

"_Maria used to use heroin, she shared a lot of needles and ended up catching something. You might want to go get checked." Jacob looked straight at me when he said it and I could see the truth in his eyes._

"_Fine." I gave him Bella's number._

"_Oh, and Jasper. If you ever want something, I've got the good stuff." Jacob pulled a small bag of colored pills out of his pocket for emphasis._

"_Good to know." I muttered, rising and heading to my car. "Looks like I need to get some tests done."_

_An hour later I was leaving the hospital with the hope that Carlisle didn't hear I'd been in for an STI scan._

_"Jasper?" A quiet voice called from behind me._

_SHIT. I thought as I turned around to face Bella._

_"Uh, hi Bella." I muttered, looking away guiltily._

_"What are you doing here?" She asked, leaning over to search my eyes._

_"I... uh... I had to get some tests done." I stuttered stupidly._

_"Oh. I hope you're not sick." She said kindly._

_"Look Bella I have to go." I couldn't stand her being so nice to me after what I'd done. I never thought Bella and Edward would break up, ever. And now they were, and it was my fault. To top it off I'd given Edward's enemy to go ahead to chase after Bella._

"_Oh ok. Well I guess I'll talk to you later." She said, looking a little upset with how abrupt I was. "Oh and Jasper? Thanks."_

"_For?"_

"_Everything. Driving me home that day, telling Carlisle about Edward's obsession and how he stalked me, giving Jacob my number… You're a good friend." She smiled at me happily._

"_Jacob?" I asked, wondering why she would be thanking me for that._

"_Yeah, he's really helping me get over Edward and he even helped Charlie cut down the tree's right near the house so people can't peep in anymore." She shuddered. "I mean, that's really creepy. Especially considering we'd never met when he did it."_

"_Oh. Well, you're welcome." It was official, I was an asshole._

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**AN: There you have it, I finally gave you an explanation for how he opened his eyes...**

**REVIEW or I'll make Jasper have AIDS**


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